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Today is officially UBERLuser Day!

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villiany...

Today was complete and utter UBER-Luser today. It's not that a lot of servers crashed or emergencies happened. (There's a REASON I blacked out of my memory the bulk of Friday....) But it seems I got the most IGNORANT gits in the world today.

See, I'm stuck on the phone firewall. Now, in the proper realm of things, I am supposed to be the one the firewall PROTECTS. Unfortunately, the re-engineering bug hit my dept several years ago and now they decided rather than having groups of people who knew their users and area and machines very well, they were going to make EVERYONE make themselves familiar with EVERY system in EVERY site and EVERY user base, despite the fact that it's technically impossible and infeasable. We could barely keep up with our user's future needs BEFORE they chased off all the intelligent people and when we sat near them. Now we're lumped into one isolated group (almost a plus, but lusers can still find us, so that doesn't help).

In any case, perfectly good engineers are stuck answering the phone and fielding luser calls. Despite my protests that I would end up screaming at lusers by the end of the first week, I got stuck in the new Help Desk group. (Hey, I know my limits, I should get some credit for that...) It's a three-month rotation and I have 6 weeks to go, two of which will be vacation weeks if I plan it right.... If they try to make me stay longer (hard to rotate people if no one will rotate in, and HR said they can't force us in the future), I'll get a psychiatrist's note that will explain I'll go postal if necessary. My SO has guns, I can do it.

So this is today. I was hard-pressed not to call anyone idiots. To top it off, my ISP (well, if you can call it that) keeps crapping out and losing my entire rant. It's not a good day. These are just most of the actual lusers I had to help. There's a slew of people I shunted off to the RIGHT Help Desk for their problem. Unfortunately, we're the biggest help desk in the division, so everyone just calls us and hopes we know how to do such things as refill the power towel dispensers, fix their lights, install their phones, manage the mainframe (located in another state and owned by another group), set up their voice mail and all the other things that have nothing whatsoever to do with us.

Luser 1

Luser 2 UBER-Luser 3 Luser 4 UBERUBER-Luser 5 Luser 6 Luser 7 Uber-Luser 8 Lusers 9 & 10

Interspersed between these luser calls, I have walk-ins who aren't quite used to not having a support team around wandering up to my cube bleating "Are YOU my IS support person?" to which I can safely answer "Nope. You don't have one anymore. Call the Help Desk and *someone* will help you out." Well, that's when I'm not actually on the phone. When I'm on the phone, I get to wave the one imperious hand in a bold "Hush!" sweep, point to the headset without ever actually turning to look at them and pray they leave before I'm done with the call.

So to recover, I have Oysterband blaring on my headphones for the rest of the afternoon. Jam Tomorrow, Shit Today. Pretty much sums up our "re-engineered" department....

Friday, I am on vacation for a week, which will culminate in a weekend spent at IrishFest in Milwaukee getting pissed on single-barrel, single-malt Scotch and listening to good music. (Unfortunately, the rest of the week is spent getting my life in order, including shovelling out the house, in lieu of that Spring Cleaning.)

Heather Garvey  |       Bug accidentally used the term _information 
hlg@po.cwru.edu |       superhighway_, and so we were able to administer 
UNIX Sysadmin   |       a beating.
BOFH            |               -- _Microserfs_, Douglas Coupland

Last Modified : Feb. 12, 1999

Heather Garvey / raven@xnet.com